Man of Iron Synopsis

Avon and his trusty pump action shotgun dash around the sand dunes, crashing to the ground to demolish the odd robot, falling into pits and climbing out and losing his bracelet - there's a surprise. Meanwhile back on Scorpio Slave warns Vila there's not much fuel left; the needle's almost at zero and the little pump light is flashing. Vila is really really worried about Avon, so we must be pre-Orbit, and reluctantly returns to base at Tarrant's behest and to Slave's relief.

Two amazingly advanced robots capture Avon, then one of them holds a gun to his throat. "Take me to your leader," gasps our leather clad hero.

Next, we enter the chamber of Avon's protagonist Algor, soon revealed as a megalomaniac evil scientist. For a moment I thought the narrator said Al Gore which would have made Man of Iron a very different story. She sets the scene - a large, sparsely furnished room containing a large communication console and screen, and a chaise longue. Al Gore, sorry Algor, is a reclusive wheelchair user so why he needs a chaise longue is a bit of mystery. Perhaps he got carried away at IKEA. For the moment it gives the lovely Servalan, for it is she, somewhere to drape herself over. The script doesn't say what she's wearing but my money's on the scarlet frock with the huge ruff from Gambit. I visualise Algor in a white lab. coat and possibly one of those dentist's head lamps. He is given to false smiles and grandiloquent statements, always a bad sign. You begin to wonder if he will produce a large white Persian cat and sneer, "At last we meet, meester Avon."

Algor has taken umbrage because Avon has blown up two of his robots. "He has just destroyed two years of my life's work. He will feel pain before he dies," he yells. We all know what that means. Algor will devise some ridiculous long drawn out execution process allowing ample time for a giant brain like Avon's to work out an escape plan, instead of just shooting him dead like any sensible megalomaniac would.

Algor has created an uber robot called Gabor, who is invincible and probably no relation to Zsa Zsa. Think Muller's Android crossed with Orac. Servalan is interested in financing a Gabor production line which will restore her to her rightful place a Ruler of the Universe (which reminds me, where's David Walsh these days?) though she has yet to see it in action.

Meanwhile, back at base, Dayna and Soolin anxiously ply Tarrant with questions. He tells them nothing can done. Naturally they accept his decision. Vila docks Scorpio and enters the base to find Tarrant, the narrator tells us, lounging at the table with the two girls (sic) ranged alongside him; maybe they are clad in skimpy Greek tunics and feeding him grapes. Anyway, he is still practising for the Federation Olympic Sneering Championship. Vila insists they must re-fuel and take off immediately to rescue Avon. and Tarrant declines the request until Vila produces a shot gun. Whether it is pump action we are not told at this point. Tarrant acknowledges defeat, and advises Vila to enjoy being on top while it lasts.

Looks like they'll be going for Avon after all, the idiots. What was that line of his in Terminal? "Sentiment breeds weakness. Let it get a hold of you and you are dead."

Back in the chamber, Algor whizzes threateningly around Avon . Servalan interjects "I know this man -"
"You have known many men!," responds Algor wittily ?.."your word counts for nothing."

If I were him I'd be a bit more careful how I addressed Madam President, but on with the plot.

" I am a genius!" shouts Algor.
Avon comes straight back with "An evil genius."

"Throughout all history," continues Algor, "you will always find somebody who wished to dominate the universe." So there is a Gore - Bush subtext after all.

"Do you know what I have produced??????the greatest weapon beyond the imagination of man. I have produced - Gabor!" He makes it sound like a new anti-wrinkle cream from Laboratoire Garnier.

"Yes, I know," says Avon.

Gabor the Magnificent is revealed on the screen in all his glory, standing on a promontory surveying the ocean. What is he thinking of? Booking a Ryanair flight to a somewhere with a bit more life?

Gabor is beside himself when told Avon wants to kill him. Why, destroying him would be like killing Copernicus because "you do not like the telescope. I suspect, that if a man's leg should be gangrenous, your remedy would be to cut off his head." What??? You wonder why Servalan doesn't just shoot the pair of them out of exasperation.

In the next scene Avon is taken to a cell and comprehensively beaten up by a single robot. (Well now, we've all read stories like that) But fear not, Scorpio is approaching. Tarrant asks Dayna if she can handle the ship in orbit, there's a good girl, while he, Soolin and Vila teleport to the shore. Shortly afterwards Soolin takes the gun from Vila. A good thing really, he'd only drop it, and Tarrant will almost certainly fall into the pit. Soolin is the professional..

Algor shows Servalan what Gabor can do. Bullets fired at it by a lesser robot have no effect - Gabor overpowers its rival and chucks it off a sand dune. For a man who has just been complaining that Avon had destroyed two years of his work, Algor seems strangely uncaring of the pile of mangled metal to which Gabor has reduced his robot and is next seen "luxuriating in a foam-filled bath." Perhaps it is Laboratoire Garnier.

Servalan swans into Avon's cell and is soon, "wiping the brow of a beaten Avon." Uh-oh, it's really turning into a fanzine story. Not that the ministering angel stays long, for the robot comes back with a knife to finish Avon off. More cutting edge technology. Despite not having been able to defend himself against this unarmed robot minutes earlier when comparatively fresh, Badly Beaten Avon succeeds in hurling it over his shoulder into the wall, then holding it in a half nelson until he's crunched its head into bits. He then picks the lock and is away.

Algor wheels in from the bathroom clad in a dressing gown - something in the Noel Coward style I expect. He's highly pleased with himself. If he could do a victory dance, would it be in an Algorithm? As he'd switched off the TV screen while in the bath, neither he nor Servalan has witnessed Avon's escape. They just assume he must be dead. That's not proper gloating, that isn't.

Algor can't even offer her a celebratory glass of Bollinger because, he says, there's nothing suitable. What, he has his own planet but can't even rustle up a Bacardi Breezer and some Pringles? Has he just stocked up with Irn Bru for the human robots? Surely any megalomaniac worthy of the name would have set up a distillery by now or at the very least imported a decent wine cellar. But wait, an alarm has sounded. Perhaps they should switch the TV back on. Oh look, an empty cell.

Avon is scampering around the dunes again. He hasn't had this much exercise since Sarran. Algor has only got two lesser robots left plus Gabor. Speaking through a loud speaker, he orders the two lesser ones after his quarry, keeping Gabor in reserve. Tarrant, hearing Algor's orders, immediately takes the gun from Soolin. This is Man's Work.

Back on Scorpio Dayna has a Big Thought. What's the fuel situation? "There's hardly any left, mistress," says Slave. Dayna focuses immediately on the salient point. "I'd rather you didn't call me that." Can the crew really have forgotten to fill the tank before setting off? Or is there a hidden sub plot here? Is Slave lying? Or just bored?

Avon is trapped. Robot number one pulls a gun on him but Bang!!! It explodes. Tarrant has shot it, hurrah. Robot Number two lumbers into view, also sportingly in profile on top of a dune. Soolin whacks it with a bit of wood, which seems to work just as well as the gun. Tarrant hands over the shotgun, for the battered Avon has to complete the task he came for and kill Algor. Doesn't sound too difficult. All the others have to do is deal with the indestructible Gabor. It won't be easy, but Tarrant has a cunning plan. Its called attracting Gabor's attention then running away.

So that's what they do. "I have yet to meet the man - machine made man - that can kill me!" says Tarrant. What's that other line of Avon's, "I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable and I'm not going."

Servalan isn't stupid either. She's vanished, and Algor is alone in his chamber. He flicks the arm of his wheelchair to reveal - surprise - the barrel of a machine gun, a customised Davros special? He watches the relentlessly striding Gabor in pursuit of the Scorpio three, as Avon steals silently along the corridor towards him.

Tarrant falls into the pit, and Soolin and Vila haul him out. The script doesn't say why. But then he has a Brilliant Thought and calls Dayna. She must adjust the teleport to the frequency of each of them, pick them up and then re-materialise them in different positions but still visible to Gabor. Well now, a little displacement activity is always welcome. So she does. Poor Gabor is thoroughly confused as its prey appear and disappear all around him. It scratches its head metaphorically and decides the best thing to do is throw away the gun. Then they all start running again.

"That was clever, says Dayna. Tarrant must be brighter than he looks."

"I'll say just one word, responds Slave, "fuel!" Is Slave being subversive again? Did he actually say "fool"?

Speculation must wait. Back at the chamber Avon bursts through the door, firing repeatedly, but manages to miss his target. He throws himself behind the TV. James T Kirk could not throw himself better. Algor shoots his machine gun at point blank range but can only wound Avon's hand. Then his gun jams. It's just not his day so he retreats to the bathroom. Poor Avon can't operate the pump action gun with only one hand, so he must pursue his wheelchair bound opponent unarmed.

Algor has forgotten to let the bath water drain. He wheels himself to the far side of the bath - it must be one of the fashionable Victorian style stand alone ones, also available from IKEA - where keeps his toothbrush and a spare dagger. He hurls the dagger at Avon but misses. Not a darts player obviously. Avon is still in full Kirk mode. He swings on an overhead strut to Algor's side then tips him into the bath and drowns him. It doesn't seem very sporting as victories go, and the bubbles aren't helping his second best leather jacket. Avon clambers from the bath. Now he looks thoughtful; he cogitates; he frowns; he hurries to the console and grabs the microphone. "Tarrant, listen to me?."

"Tarrant, the robot will not function under water. Its electrical components will be damaged beyond repair. Water, Tarrant, is your ally. Water, water?"

Soolin, Vila and Tarrant hear the message and make for the shore. Soon they are doing a fast crawl through the water. Poor Gabor watches then follows them in, like James Mason in A Star is Born. It attempts the breast stroke but slowly sinks. The three return to the shore and are joined by Avon in time for the inevitable explosion where Gabor sank.

Avon wants to go after Servalan too but Vila restrains him. "I don't think my heart can stand the strain of any more excitement." Cue Tarrant and Soolin's admission that Avon is only alive thanks to Vila's pulling the gun on them. "Your heart's in the right place," coos Soolin. Oh yuk! In any case, we're all going to die when the waterproof robots arrive.

As to what happened regarding the fuel crisis, we'll never know.